Existence Lost in the Wind

Writing this post, brings tears to my eyes.

Imagine, if you will, what it would be like if no one knew you ever existed.  If no one knew you ever had a heart beat.  If no one knew that you had been viciously murdered and all records unattainable.

Would anyone even believe you existed?  How would you prove your existence?  How would you make sure your memory was part of the history of humanity.

I wanted nothing more than to make my son's memory real.  As soon as I discovered that a Fetal Death Certificate was created when he was murdered, I knew I had to find a copy. But, I knew the risks.  Below is a link that tells you everything that the State of New York told me and a snippet of the most important part.

Information about Fetal Death Certificates in New York

Since one certificate was used, when the Fetal Death was due to an induced death much of what is listed above is blank.  The certificate does not contain any information regarding consent.  Often with induced Fetal Deaths physicians filled out very little of this form.  Often when someone requests a copy we cannot find one because the physician did not complete any of the identifying information.

I filled out the necessary form and hoped against the odds.  I waited several weeks, but never lost hope.  Then it came.  'Record Not Found.'  I just cried.

To know that my son's memory will only live based on what I say.  Having the official record would prove his existence and prove what a beast his grandmother truly was.

But now, I don't have that proof and if I shared my story with other family members I would not have the proof that some would require.  Yes, that's how some of my family responds to things they don't want to believe.  So, without proof, to them I would be a liar and they would have no reason to believe horrible things about their own mother or grandmother.

It hurts my heart that my son will never be remembered as being a human being that deserved to live.  Not even a piece of paper was sufficiently filled out to show that he was here and he is still loved.

The Doctor that failed to provide any identifying information has made it impossible for me to find my son's record.  I damn his soul for what he did and then what he didn't think was important enough to do.

I am just heart sick over these three little words.

Record Not Found