Tears of Loss

Last night I cried until I couldn't cry any more.  I never realized how horrible PTSD could really become, the older I get.

But, the sense of loss and grief just continue to grow and grow.  I have lost so much and as I grow older I just can't contain the loss.

I should be a grandmother.  I should have someone to hold my hand when I am afraid of growing old.  I should have someone to lean on when I get bad news from the doctor.  I should have a family.

My mother has one.  But, she denied me the chance of ever having my own.

I  cry for my loss.  I cry for my son. There is no consoling my heart.  The loss is too tremendous and I've needed my son in my life, but my mother refused to allow him to exist.

Oh mother, dear mother.  I hate you, and I have no forgiveness for you.  I pretended, for so long, to agree with you to put up with you and support you in whatever you did. I took your crap.  I allowed you to make fun of me and make me the butt of your jokes.  I tried to be a good daughter and hid my pain, grief and loss.  But, no more.  You are an evil person.  You can kill your own grandchild because, as you said it, he would not have a name.  How could you?  How could you?  How can one person be so evil.

Mother, when you die I will finally be free of you.  I will not attend your funeral because the only thing I would have to say is that you murdered my child.  I will not shed a tear over your death.  I will be free.  The chains you put on me will be gone.

But, today and every day, I grieve, I cry, I hurt to the core of my soul.  My son,  I need you.