Arrangements and Arrival

It didn't take mother any time at all to make the arrangements.  We were booked on a flight and off to New York before any rational thought was allowed to prevail.

I can't begin to explain my emotional state, at this time.  It was like I was numb, beat down and I had surrendered. I had no thoughts.  I was terrified but could not show my feelings.  Actually, from that moment on I kept my fears and what followed to myself.

My mother thought that my child was such a shameful thing that she refused me to contact my grandfather who lived in NY.  I was told this was not a pleasure trip. In fact, no concern was given to the after effects as we were booked on a flight out on the SAME day as the murder.

We arrived at the clinic and I could have just cried but I didn't let it show.  I would not let this monster mother know what she was doing to me, my child and my life.  She was determined to do this and it didn't matter what anyone else wanted or even felt.  She was cold-hearted and just mean.

I took too long to approach the desk and she pushed me along and checked me in. She was hateful and told me to just go sit down.

I did and all I remember was the atmosphere.  People laughing and talking in the very brightly lit waiting room.  They were acting as if they were in a restaurant bar, waiting for a table to open up.  It was horrible.  I just stared out the window; a view I will never forget. Another thing that I will never forget was the song 'Mr. Bonjangles.'  It had been tops in the chart and this song must have played half a dozen times.  To this day, I can't listen to that song, without being transported back to the day of the murder.

I sat in silence and waited.  Finally I was called back.  I went alone.  My own mother would not be there.  In a way I was glad she wasn't there.  In another way how could a mother sit there and allow her only daughter to go through such a horrible ordeal ALONE.

I hate her with such a deep hate.  Any love I had for her had died. I would never love her again and I would never forgive her --EVER!

As the door closed behind me I knew this was the end of everything I had ahead of me.  My life was over, as I knew it.

I was dying while mother sat in the waiting room reading a magazine.

Pause Before The Second Phase

I am not quite ready to write about the next phase in mother's murder plan.  This is rough and I need to garner a bit more strength.

I hope to continue sharing this horror, in a few days.

Please be patient.

Mother's Plan - Setting The Stage and Making Demands

Mother whirled in to action and before I knew it I was packed off to a local doctor.  I couldn't even see our family doctor. I was sent to see a complete stranger.  Having a child was a shameful thing for the family.  At least in my mother's eyes.

The visit was horrible. She could have at least let me see a woman doctor. But NO!  Up until then, I had never been to gynecologist, so this was a first and with a perfect stranger.  It was so horrible.  At this point I began to become afraid.  I did not know what mother was going to do next.  So, I kept my feelings and fears to myself.

The results came back positive and as soon as she found out, she stopped in the living room.  Standing up, she informed me of the results and informed me that I would be getting rid of it.  She couldn't even sit down to have adult discussion.  She dictated and scared the life out of me.  But, I did muster up the courage to say to her 'Wait a minute'.  Really, I needed to absorb what she was saying and be allowed to share my feelings.

Her response to my statement was --  Wait for what? You are going to get rid of it.  I asked 'why?'.  Her response, and I quote, " I am not going to raise it and it won't have a name.'  That is what she said.  No discussion, no thought of me and what I felt or wanted. I was so close to being 18 and here I was stuck and being frightened  in to submission by a mother that I never realized was such a monster.  What else could she be if her first response is to murder her own grandchild.

Next up was mother's husband.  Legally, my father. But, in reality it was her second husband.  Anyway, he tracked down and set up a meeting with Michael.  To this day, I do not know what happened. But, I do know it had to have been awful.  Michael ran away as fast as he could and joined the Marines earlier than he had planned. Mother's husband, most likely, was browbeat by my mother.  I believe if she had left him alone and allowed him to act on his own conscience, he and I could have sat down and had a decent discussion.   But, the monster mother would not hear of that.  She took over and ran the show and made sure I stayed in line and in fear of her.

I threatened to run and she threatened me with police action.  Yes, the police could have forced me back home, until I reached my 18th birthday.  She was determined to kill my child.

Aftermath

In the days and weeks to follow, Michael and I did see each other.  It didn't take long for me to realize I might be pregnant.  I immediately told Michael.  He, like most teenagers, went in to a slight tail spin.  He wanted to know how I knew. I told him.  We didn't discuss about what to do.  But the notion of marriage was discussed and I thought it might be OK but really neither one of us were ready for that.  Besides, we weren't a very good match. One thing that was never discussed was abortion.  It was not part of our vocabulary and not something either of us entertained.

Michael and I still saw each other on and off.  A couple of months went by and I hadn't told anyone but Michael.  I knew I couldn't tell my parents. Why?  I was a product of my own Mother's New Year's indiscretion and if she could have aborted me she would have.  She married my father but they divorced and she blames everything on him.  Of course, I grew up to look like him.  Needless to say I was just the bad seed that she was stuck with.  So, I kept quiet.

I had to keep quiet until I turned 18.  Once 18 I could leave and there would be nothing she could do.  But, that didn't happen.  I was so close.  I was within a couple months of my 18th birthday.

One day, mother was making dinner and I came in the kitchen.  I asked her if there was anything I could eat.  She said no because dinner was almost ready.  But, I HAD to eat something.  It didn't matter what.  So, I opened a can of peas and ate it.  It was delicious.  However, I, almost immediately, threw it up.  Yeah, that's what gave me away.

Right then, mother asked if I was pregnant.  I still did not want her to know so I just told her 'I don't know.'  Well that sent her in to a major melt down.

The cat was out of the bag and mother has now taken over and put the ball of destruction in motion.

The Day That Changed My World

I thought I would be ready to start going through the whole timeline of what happened.  I'm still going to do it.  But, I've been hesitating all morning.  I don't know why, but I'm having a very hard time with the actual telling of the events.

But, here goes.

My boyfriend, at the time, was my first boy friend.  He was very special to me since I had left the area I grew up in and was now in a high school where I did not know anyone.  I was slow to make friends and was not popular.  So, when Michael came around I was very happy.  I needed to feel like someone cared.

We were together for a good while and eventually went to the Senior Prom.  It was all quite nice.  Michael was going to enlist in the Marines, after graduation and I was very worried  about what would happen.  He assured me it would be OK and to show me he meant it, he told me he would give me his GTO to have and use until he came home. That was a big deal.  His car, was his love.

Fast forward ahead.  One spring day,in May 1972, we ended up checking in to the Eden Roc Hotel for the day.  We were just kicked back, on the bed, watching TV and enjoying the ocean view.  We laid on the bed together and just talked.  I asked him if he still had that condom in his car.  He said he did and he was out the door in a flash.

Needless to say, we were both clumsy and unprepared.  But, it was a start.  Sadly, neither of us thought about a condom being kept in a car for a very long time, in S. Florida.  Yes, it broke.  The heat got to it.

When we realized what happened he asked me if there was something we could do.  Of course we had no idea.  But, neither of us were freaking out.  So, we talked some more, showers were taken, and we checked out.

He took me to dinner and then drove me home.  Kisses were given and the night ended.