Arrangements and Arrival

It didn't take mother any time at all to make the arrangements.  We were booked on a flight and off to New York before any rational thought was allowed to prevail.

I can't begin to explain my emotional state, at this time.  It was like I was numb, beat down and I had surrendered. I had no thoughts.  I was terrified but could not show my feelings.  Actually, from that moment on I kept my fears and what followed to myself.

My mother thought that my child was such a shameful thing that she refused me to contact my grandfather who lived in NY.  I was told this was not a pleasure trip. In fact, no concern was given to the after effects as we were booked on a flight out on the SAME day as the murder.

We arrived at the clinic and I could have just cried but I didn't let it show.  I would not let this monster mother know what she was doing to me, my child and my life.  She was determined to do this and it didn't matter what anyone else wanted or even felt.  She was cold-hearted and just mean.

I took too long to approach the desk and she pushed me along and checked me in. She was hateful and told me to just go sit down.

I did and all I remember was the atmosphere.  People laughing and talking in the very brightly lit waiting room.  They were acting as if they were in a restaurant bar, waiting for a table to open up.  It was horrible.  I just stared out the window; a view I will never forget. Another thing that I will never forget was the song 'Mr. Bonjangles.'  It had been tops in the chart and this song must have played half a dozen times.  To this day, I can't listen to that song, without being transported back to the day of the murder.

I sat in silence and waited.  Finally I was called back.  I went alone.  My own mother would not be there.  In a way I was glad she wasn't there.  In another way how could a mother sit there and allow her only daughter to go through such a horrible ordeal ALONE.

I hate her with such a deep hate.  Any love I had for her had died. I would never love her again and I would never forgive her --EVER!

As the door closed behind me I knew this was the end of everything I had ahead of me.  My life was over, as I knew it.

I was dying while mother sat in the waiting room reading a magazine.