Unending Pain and Loss

You may wonder why I write this after so many years.  Well, it's hard and I'll do my best to convey what horrors abortion puts a woman through. Especially when it was done against her will and any future family was lost on that day.

Mother's forced action on murdering my child is just too hateful to wrap my head around.  This is the same mother that when I was just 15, I was given the choice of having knee surgery or not.  Mother said the decision was up to me and she would stand by whatever I decided.

But, two years later, in a much more important decision, she decided I would have no say in the decision to murder my child.  My child was ripped from me, with no consideration of my feelings.  I was able to save my knee from surgery, but I couldn't save my child from murder.

Anyway, back to the effects of having your child ripped from your body and sucked in to a container that would become medical waste certified with an 'induced death' certificate.  That's the truth.  The Left Wing whack jobs say a fetus is not a baby, but yet NY law required a death certificate for induced death.  Hmmm, that proves the baby was, indeed, alive.

So, back to today.  Why do I still have trouble with such an old decision?  It's simple.  I relive it every day.  I am dead serious.  Every single day of my life I relive this horror. Sometimes more than once a day. Yes, PTSD is real and having my child murdered was enough to push me over the edge.  It never leaves me and as I get older the effects of that day are getting stronger. I can be reduced to tears, in mere seconds, because of my memories.

Because of this horror, I am alone.  I have no one in my life that is part of a family that I should have been able to make.  Even now, I cry for my loss and my child's loss at not even being given a chance at life.

Being alone and knowing that I have no one to be with me as I grow old is frightening and it just makes dealing with my loss even harder.

I have lost everything that ever could have meant something in life.  I had a life ahead of me.  This horror affected me so deeply and permanently that I lost my life, that day.  I died with my child.

I cannot stress enough how much damage this horror does to a woman.  They may never admit it.  I hid it for years and years. I suffered in silence, but the suffering continued to grow and grow.  My family can do nothing for me because, in the words of my mother, I'm just being ridiculous and to get over it.  I cannot and will not surround myself with people who think murder is OK.

I am damaged goods and will die an empty shell of what should have been a life with my child and family.  But, it's not.  I will die alone.  There is no one in my life that I can be close to.  I am unable to share love with anyone.  I just can't.

Like I've said before, The day my child was ripped from me, I died with him.  Yes, I knew the sex. The 'Doctor' told me it was a boy.  My dead son is with me daily.  I cry for him and I cry for myself.

Baby Noah

". . .these members of the human family are the most marginalized of society. Through abortion, they are killed at a staggering rate of approximately 3,600 deaths a day. Worse yet, these tiny humans cannot speak to defend themselves, and the laws of our land permit their destruction. Without a trail, a jury, or defense, these little lives are extinguished before they even see the light of day."

 Now, tell me how anyone can murder this tiny human? 

 This is what my mother forced me to lose and I consider her a murderer. How can this kind of murder be OK? Why is it legal to kill such an innocent? Murderers should be jailed, including all who participate in this horror.

Source:  Beautiful Photos of Baby Noah

Empowerment of Teens

I can't imagine how different my life would be if I had the power to find this information and the strength to stand up against a monster mother.  But, I did not have the information and I was paralyzed with fear.  I still blame myself for not stopping this woman.  But, she was my mother and going against her was the wrong thing to do.  Today, I know that is crap and I regret not standing my ground.

This is what every pregnant teen needs to add to her arsenal against those that are forcing her to be an accomplice to murder.

The murder industry does not inform young women of their rights.  IF the center I was forced to go to had explained to me that NO ONE could force me to have an abortion and what I could do to stop it, my life would be very different.  But, they did not care and were there to make money off the backs of women and the lives of the innocent.

You Can Stop Your Abortion

• WHAT TO DO
• Dear Pregnant Friend
• Letter To Your Parents

NO ONE CAN FORCE YOU TO ABORT YOUR BABY.

• No matter how old you are.
• Even if you are a minor.  
• You have a legal right to have your baby. 

View & print out this PDF form and sign it. Fax it to the clinic or abortionist where you are being taken to have an abortion.
If you can't fax it, then print it out, sign it and bring it with you and hand it to the receptionist at the abortion clinic.
If you do not have a printer, then HAND WRITE this out as best you can and sign it and bring it with you so you can hand it to the receptionist. This is a legal document. Hand written, it will not be perfect but do not worry. The abortionist will not want to get involved. He or she will know you are serious about not wanting an abortion.
DO NOT SIGN any of their papers. Refuse to take off your clothes. Do not get up on the table. Just keep refusing to do anything they ask you to do and tell them you want to have your baby.
Even if you do not have this document. You have now read it and you know your rights.
YOU CANNOT BE FORCED INTO AN ABORTION BY ANYONE!!!
AN EXAMPLE: Just recently, we had a 16 year old taken by her mother to an abortionist. The 16 year old said, "I will NOT abort my baby. I can raise my baby myself." She fought so hard with her mother that the woman at the clinic gave this pregnant teen three phone numbers and now she is living at our shelter. YOU CAN DO THIS.
You can have your baby if you want to and there are places you can go all over the United States to live and raise your baby.
Here is a photo of a couple who recently visited our Gift of Hope clinic. After seeing their sonogram pictures and hearing about their options, they decided to keep their baby. You can too.
We are here to help you.
Please call our hotline (1-800-662-2678) and we can work with you to fax this document for you if you don't have access to a fax and we can work with you to find a place for you to live so you can have your baby.
If you need an attorney you can call toll free # 1-866-468-8279 (1-866-4OUTCRY) and they will provide you a free attorney to help you in your decision to have a baby or email them at info@txjf.org
Follow these directions carefully and, again, email us for even more help at lifecall@aol.com or call our 24 hour hotline at 1-800-662-2678.

Source Our Gift of Hope

No More Forced Abortions

I wish I was this empowered.  Information is so empowering, but I had none.  I did not know what to do or where to turn.  The information was just not there.  Maybe it was, but I did not know where to look and fear of my mother took over.  I will regret lacking the strength to stop her and her monster agenda.

This is what every woman,, and especially teens. need to know.

Source: Real Alternatives

The Aftermath

I am finding this entry to be very difficult.  To really explain what was going, during the days to follow, I have to get more descriptive than I would like to.  It just tears my heart out.

From this time forward, my mother what shut out of my heart.  She would never know what I was going through.

One of the things I was told to watch for was excessive discharge.  I was told it should be like a normal period.  They didn't really tell the truth.  The 'discharge' was not like a period.  It was complete with yellow tissue and other pieces of God only knows.  It was a horror to see.

Another thing was the cramps.  I was told it would be mild.  God, they are such liars.  But, in hind sight, I would say I had a harder time because it was botched.

Then I started bleeding quite heavily.  I was scared.  No one knew, but me.  I contacted the person at the number I was given.  I was told I was OK and that happens sometimes and I was further along than most.  What did that mean?  I was too numb to ask.

Fast forward several days.  My experience with mild hemorrhaging was coming to an end.  I felt weak, sick and a hollow shell of the young person I used to be.

Mother has no idea what happened to me and how much damage was done to me.

With the ordeal behind me and my 18th birthday right around the corner, I headed out on a date.  That's when I realized I could never have a normal relationship again.  It was going well but when my date put his arm around me I shriveled up inside.  I was terrified that if I ever had a relationship with a man, my mother would kill any child that I might have been fortunate enough to have.  So, I just shrunk within myself and waited until I could move out.

18th birthday rolled around and I moved out with a girlfriend.  I lived in a dump and worked very hard to just pay my bills.  I never called my mother.  In fact, I did not call her for over a decade.  When I finally did, she told me that she just assumed I was dead somewhere.  Wow, she's piece of work.  Life is all about her and not me - her teenaged mistake.

By now, I had found out that I would never be able to have children any way.  I was full of scar tissue and it never would have happened.  The botched abortion caused all of this damage and ended up in a hysterectomy.  Everyone thinks I had a hysterectomy because of fibroid tumors.  This is the first time I have shared the truth.  Yes, the abortion caused so much damage I had to have a hysterectomy. This is not something that someone in their 20s should have to go through.

That brings me to another memory.  When I found out I had to have surgery, even after a second opinion, I did contact mother.  But, I waited until after the surgery.  I was still in the hospital.  She could have cared less.  She said, are you OK?  Yes, I was OK.  That's all she wanted to know.  I told her that most people send flowers or something when someone goes through surgery.  Yeah, I had to tell her.  She said she 'guessed' she could that.  So, she sent flowers, they were silk, and I gave them to my Doctor for her waiting room.  I just wanted to push the issue with mother to make sure she knew that I knew just how little she cared.

It was another decade before I contacted her again.  This time, my brother was married and about to have their first child.  Now, mother tells me, to my face - 'I didn't think I would ever be a grandmother.'  I bit my tongue in half to keep from telling her that she shouldn't have killed her first one.

She has said and done things to/about me that would cause anyone to lose all self-esteem.  But, the murder of my child was the ultimate of selfishness.

Thank you mother, for completely destroying my life and my child and any opportunity of having a family.  God how I hate her.  She is the most uncaring, selfish witch to walk the earth.

Procedure AKA Murder

I am still not at a point where I can describe, in detail, the actual procedure.  But, I will do my best.

This part of the day was the most horrifying and changed my entire life and being, forever.

I was placed on a table and strapped to stirrups.  The nurse was there busying herself with the equipment.  I asked her if she would hold my hand.  She told me to hold on to the edge of the table and it would be over in a minute. I was so alone and so terrified.

The equipment was ominous looking and I was not given anything to help with the fear, anxiety and horror. I was wide awake.

The Doctor came in and started setting up.  He never said a word to me.  Then it started.  He said I would feel a little pressure.  Huge lie.  The pain started and all I could do was grip the table and cry my eyes out.  Not the Doctor or the nurse said a word.  No comfort, no reassurance, no nothing.  I was being ripped apart and they did not care.

The sounds were more than anyone should have to bear. I can't even describe the horror of those sounds.  But yet, I can still hear them as if it were happening all over again.

When it was all done the Doctor slapped my stomach and said 'you're not pregnant anymore.' and walked out of the room.  I was numb.

This is what abortion looks like http://www.abortioninstruments.com/  This is what my own mother forced me to do to my own child.  I hate her forever.  There is no forgiveness in my heart for her.  Forgiving her is beyond my capabilities.  I will forever hate her for doing this.

But, what can you expect from someone who can trap sparrows, to keep them out of her purple martin houses, and put them next to the exhaust pipe of a running car.  Yeah, that's how cruel she can be.  If it interferes with what SHE wants then she gets rid of it, no matter the means.

The nurse gave me some reading material and some sanitary pads.  She told me to get dressed and go to the next room to 'recover'.  Recovery lasted about 30 minutes

Next up was a forced group meeting about birth control and aftercare.

The meeting was horrible.  It was like sitting at the 'cool girls' table in school.  They were all laughing and just yucking it up.  I was feeling separated from my body.  It was too surreal for me to handle.  It was like I split in to two entities.  One that sat and listened to the lecture and the other that retreated in to the darkness.

I just wanted this to be over.  I wanted to be alone to cry until I couldn't cry any more.

Day over and we flew home the same day.

Arrangements and Arrival

It didn't take mother any time at all to make the arrangements.  We were booked on a flight and off to New York before any rational thought was allowed to prevail.

I can't begin to explain my emotional state, at this time.  It was like I was numb, beat down and I had surrendered. I had no thoughts.  I was terrified but could not show my feelings.  Actually, from that moment on I kept my fears and what followed to myself.

My mother thought that my child was such a shameful thing that she refused me to contact my grandfather who lived in NY.  I was told this was not a pleasure trip. In fact, no concern was given to the after effects as we were booked on a flight out on the SAME day as the murder.

We arrived at the clinic and I could have just cried but I didn't let it show.  I would not let this monster mother know what she was doing to me, my child and my life.  She was determined to do this and it didn't matter what anyone else wanted or even felt.  She was cold-hearted and just mean.

I took too long to approach the desk and she pushed me along and checked me in. She was hateful and told me to just go sit down.

I did and all I remember was the atmosphere.  People laughing and talking in the very brightly lit waiting room.  They were acting as if they were in a restaurant bar, waiting for a table to open up.  It was horrible.  I just stared out the window; a view I will never forget. Another thing that I will never forget was the song 'Mr. Bonjangles.'  It had been tops in the chart and this song must have played half a dozen times.  To this day, I can't listen to that song, without being transported back to the day of the murder.

I sat in silence and waited.  Finally I was called back.  I went alone.  My own mother would not be there.  In a way I was glad she wasn't there.  In another way how could a mother sit there and allow her only daughter to go through such a horrible ordeal ALONE.

I hate her with such a deep hate.  Any love I had for her had died. I would never love her again and I would never forgive her --EVER!

As the door closed behind me I knew this was the end of everything I had ahead of me.  My life was over, as I knew it.

I was dying while mother sat in the waiting room reading a magazine.

Pause Before The Second Phase

I am not quite ready to write about the next phase in mother's murder plan.  This is rough and I need to garner a bit more strength.

I hope to continue sharing this horror, in a few days.

Please be patient.

Mother's Plan - Setting The Stage and Making Demands

Mother whirled in to action and before I knew it I was packed off to a local doctor.  I couldn't even see our family doctor. I was sent to see a complete stranger.  Having a child was a shameful thing for the family.  At least in my mother's eyes.

The visit was horrible. She could have at least let me see a woman doctor. But NO!  Up until then, I had never been to gynecologist, so this was a first and with a perfect stranger.  It was so horrible.  At this point I began to become afraid.  I did not know what mother was going to do next.  So, I kept my feelings and fears to myself.

The results came back positive and as soon as she found out, she stopped in the living room.  Standing up, she informed me of the results and informed me that I would be getting rid of it.  She couldn't even sit down to have adult discussion.  She dictated and scared the life out of me.  But, I did muster up the courage to say to her 'Wait a minute'.  Really, I needed to absorb what she was saying and be allowed to share my feelings.

Her response to my statement was --  Wait for what? You are going to get rid of it.  I asked 'why?'.  Her response, and I quote, " I am not going to raise it and it won't have a name.'  That is what she said.  No discussion, no thought of me and what I felt or wanted. I was so close to being 18 and here I was stuck and being frightened  in to submission by a mother that I never realized was such a monster.  What else could she be if her first response is to murder her own grandchild.

Next up was mother's husband.  Legally, my father. But, in reality it was her second husband.  Anyway, he tracked down and set up a meeting with Michael.  To this day, I do not know what happened. But, I do know it had to have been awful.  Michael ran away as fast as he could and joined the Marines earlier than he had planned. Mother's husband, most likely, was browbeat by my mother.  I believe if she had left him alone and allowed him to act on his own conscience, he and I could have sat down and had a decent discussion.   But, the monster mother would not hear of that.  She took over and ran the show and made sure I stayed in line and in fear of her.

I threatened to run and she threatened me with police action.  Yes, the police could have forced me back home, until I reached my 18th birthday.  She was determined to kill my child.

Aftermath

In the days and weeks to follow, Michael and I did see each other.  It didn't take long for me to realize I might be pregnant.  I immediately told Michael.  He, like most teenagers, went in to a slight tail spin.  He wanted to know how I knew. I told him.  We didn't discuss about what to do.  But the notion of marriage was discussed and I thought it might be OK but really neither one of us were ready for that.  Besides, we weren't a very good match. One thing that was never discussed was abortion.  It was not part of our vocabulary and not something either of us entertained.

Michael and I still saw each other on and off.  A couple of months went by and I hadn't told anyone but Michael.  I knew I couldn't tell my parents. Why?  I was a product of my own Mother's New Year's indiscretion and if she could have aborted me she would have.  She married my father but they divorced and she blames everything on him.  Of course, I grew up to look like him.  Needless to say I was just the bad seed that she was stuck with.  So, I kept quiet.

I had to keep quiet until I turned 18.  Once 18 I could leave and there would be nothing she could do.  But, that didn't happen.  I was so close.  I was within a couple months of my 18th birthday.

One day, mother was making dinner and I came in the kitchen.  I asked her if there was anything I could eat.  She said no because dinner was almost ready.  But, I HAD to eat something.  It didn't matter what.  So, I opened a can of peas and ate it.  It was delicious.  However, I, almost immediately, threw it up.  Yeah, that's what gave me away.

Right then, mother asked if I was pregnant.  I still did not want her to know so I just told her 'I don't know.'  Well that sent her in to a major melt down.

The cat was out of the bag and mother has now taken over and put the ball of destruction in motion.

The Day That Changed My World

I thought I would be ready to start going through the whole timeline of what happened.  I'm still going to do it.  But, I've been hesitating all morning.  I don't know why, but I'm having a very hard time with the actual telling of the events.

But, here goes.

My boyfriend, at the time, was my first boy friend.  He was very special to me since I had left the area I grew up in and was now in a high school where I did not know anyone.  I was slow to make friends and was not popular.  So, when Michael came around I was very happy.  I needed to feel like someone cared.

We were together for a good while and eventually went to the Senior Prom.  It was all quite nice.  Michael was going to enlist in the Marines, after graduation and I was very worried  about what would happen.  He assured me it would be OK and to show me he meant it, he told me he would give me his GTO to have and use until he came home. That was a big deal.  His car, was his love.

Fast forward ahead.  One spring day,in May 1972, we ended up checking in to the Eden Roc Hotel for the day.  We were just kicked back, on the bed, watching TV and enjoying the ocean view.  We laid on the bed together and just talked.  I asked him if he still had that condom in his car.  He said he did and he was out the door in a flash.

Needless to say, we were both clumsy and unprepared.  But, it was a start.  Sadly, neither of us thought about a condom being kept in a car for a very long time, in S. Florida.  Yes, it broke.  The heat got to it.

When we realized what happened he asked me if there was something we could do.  Of course we had no idea.  But, neither of us were freaking out.  So, we talked some more, showers were taken, and we checked out.

He took me to dinner and then drove me home.  Kisses were given and the night ended.