I am finding this entry to be very difficult. To really explain what was going, during the days to follow, I have to get more descriptive than I would like to. It just tears my heart out.
From this time forward, my mother what shut out of my heart. She would never know what I was going through.
One of the things I was told to watch for was excessive discharge. I was told it should be like a normal period. They didn't really tell the truth. The 'discharge' was not like a period. It was complete with yellow tissue and other pieces of God only knows. It was a horror to see.
Another thing was the cramps. I was told it would be mild. God, they are such liars. But, in hind sight, I would say I had a harder time because it was botched.
Then I started bleeding quite heavily. I was scared. No one knew, but me. I contacted the person at the number I was given. I was told I was OK and that happens sometimes and I was further along than most. What did that mean? I was too numb to ask.
Fast forward several days. My experience with mild hemorrhaging was coming to an end. I felt weak, sick and a hollow shell of the young person I used to be.
Mother has no idea what happened to me and how much damage was done to me.
With the ordeal behind me and my 18th birthday right around the corner, I headed out on a date. That's when I realized I could never have a normal relationship again. It was going well but when my date put his arm around me I shriveled up inside. I was terrified that if I ever had a relationship with a man, my mother would kill any child that I might have been fortunate enough to have. So, I just shrunk within myself and waited until I could move out.
18th birthday rolled around and I moved out with a girlfriend. I lived in a dump and worked very hard to just pay my bills. I never called my mother. In fact, I did not call her for over a decade. When I finally did, she told me that she just assumed I was dead somewhere. Wow, she's piece of work. Life is all about her and not me - her teenaged mistake.
By now, I had found out that I would never be able to have children any way. I was full of scar tissue and it never would have happened. The botched abortion caused all of this damage and ended up in a hysterectomy. Everyone thinks I had a hysterectomy because of fibroid tumors. This is the first time I have shared the truth. Yes, the abortion caused so much damage I had to have a hysterectomy. This is not something that someone in their 20s should have to go through.
That brings me to another memory. When I found out I had to have surgery, even after a second opinion, I did contact mother. But, I waited until after the surgery. I was still in the hospital. She could have cared less. She said, are you OK? Yes, I was OK. That's all she wanted to know. I told her that most people send flowers or something when someone goes through surgery. Yeah, I had to tell her. She said she 'guessed' she could that. So, she sent flowers, they were silk, and I gave them to my Doctor for her waiting room. I just wanted to push the issue with mother to make sure she knew that I knew just how little she cared.
It was another decade before I contacted her again. This time, my brother was married and about to have their first child. Now, mother tells me, to my face - 'I didn't think I would ever be a grandmother.' I bit my tongue in half to keep from telling her that she shouldn't have killed her first one.
She has said and done things to/about me that would cause anyone to lose all self-esteem. But, the murder of my child was the ultimate of selfishness.
Thank you mother, for completely destroying my life and my child and any opportunity of having a family. God how I hate her. She is the most uncaring, selfish witch to walk the earth.
